Re: An Uncensored Blog

Hey, so I'm going to tie up some loose ends from yesterday's post and reply to some points made in the comments on yesterday's post.

Yesterday, I just typed out that blog and posted it without taking any time to organize my thoughts, so it was kind of all over the place.

Basically, I had made that video for my family of my aunts memorial, and I had posted it on youtube, and essentially, I just wanted to say two things.

First I wanted to say: "Here, I made a video. This video is about something sad, but you don't need to feel obligated to comfort me, and I want to tell you why."

Second, I wanted to say that I am sad for my family members who are overcome with depression because of my aunt passing away, and I wanted to explain why it is that depression no longer controls me.

I think I got those points across, but maybe I didn't do it in the most coherent way. That blog yesterday could have been organized better, but I just hashed it out and didn't edit it.

In the comments my friend Julie talked about how her aunt also passed away and now her uncle is dealing with depression because his life had revolved around his wife, and now his life is so empty without her.

Her comment is what really made me want to talk about this some more. I think all of us, at some point, will go through a time of severe depression. It takes a long, long time to recover from an experience that tears your life apart. I guess part of the point I was trying to make, is that, while I was overcoming depression, I grew stronger and wiser. I learned to always look ahead, to see what situations in life might cause me pain. So that now, somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm always aware of the situations that could be difficult for me. Sometimes I just sit and think about these possible situations and I ask myself, what I would do if such and such bad thing happened. It might seem weird, but ever since I started doing this, life hasn't really surprised me with any bad situations. Sometimes bad things happen, but I've already been mentally prepared for it, so when the bad things happen, I am calm and I can think clearly and react rationally.

One of the reasons the whole depression thing is so important to me at the moment is because of my mom. It was her sister who passed away. I am sad for my mom. Her mother (my grandmother) passed away nearly 13 years ago, but her dad (my grandfather) passed away just 2 years ago. My mother was severely depressed when her dad passed away, and now she is depressed again, because her sister has passed away.

I am anxious for my mom, because she was the youngest of 6 kids. It is very likely, that in future years, she will have to bury her 4 other siblings and her aunt and uncle. Because of my experiences with depression and learning to look ahead and prepare myself for potential rough times, I wish I could help my mom to realize that she needs to do something to prepare herself for the inevitable. I am afraid that if she doesn't learn how to cope with the pain of losing her family members, then she is going to be overcome with depression every time another one of her family members passes away, and I am sad to think that my mom might spend most of the rest of her life being depressed because of people she loves passing away.

I fully admit that losing someone who is close to you is not easy. I imagine that if my brother or sister or one of my best friends passed away, I would probably grieve for at least a few months. I know I would be sad, but to be honest, I really do spend time thinking about what life would be like if this happened. Ever since my life fell apart at the beginning of 2008, I've tried to prepare myself for anything that life might throw my way. I just didn't want to ever give life another chance to sneak up behind me and tear my happiness away. So I've learned to fight for my right to be happy, but I've also learned to let things go when the time comes. I've learned to cherish every moment that I get to spend with my friends and family because I never know which moment might be the last. I am glad that I've learned to do this, because life feels so much more fulfilling now. When you truly begin to view your life from the perspective that it could all be taken away in an instant, then every moment feels like a gift.

So, ya... I think that's all I wanted to say today. I'll just conclude by sharing something that helped me through my depression. During 2008, I stopped watching tv. I think TV can be a great escape for some people, but for me, I had to give it up. TV helped me to forget about my pain, but it didn't help me to grow and deal with my pain, so I stopped watching it. Instead, I spent my time reading. I told you yesterday that I prayed and read the Bible, but I read a lot of other books too. One of the books I read was called "365 Days to Let Go: daily insights to change your life". It was just a book of quotes/proverbs, one for every day of the year. These daily readings were just really helpful to me. I think I'll start including them in my blogs everyday.

The one for August 15 says:

"Beauty is more than just the experience of a unity greater than thought can measure; beauty gives evidence - through our awareness of its expression - that no observer exists apart from what is observed."

Alright, goodbye 'till tomorrow. :-)